that's it? you're done?!

well, today I recalled something that the project leaders Dave Rennals and Shelly Chen mentioned when we left Calgary aeons ago. I'll quote it:

"As the project draws to a close, let us remember that part of God's work this summer was to prepare us for things that He has planned for us to do in the future...As you read this now, and as you read it in the future, you have a decision to make: You can either put into practice what you've learned and use what God has entrusted to you for the advancement of His kingdom, or you can bury it, letting it rot away unused.

The success of these 3 months will be measured by the way you spend and invest the rest of your lives."

Wow...I mean, how can I forget that God is in control and that He uses experiences to shape me for HIM? And forget that I have an enemy who wants me go out like a P.A.B.? Right now, I am livid...that I've gone out so far away from my first love, from all the things that were valuable to turn into this control-freak/anxious/defeated/whiny geezer. And I'm not done!

I have been meeting a lot of people and trying to plan my "future", to make sure that I am "successful". So that's it? Make money, hold on to Canada, get a family/hot wife, grow old, do lots of 'hobbies' and die? WTH mate! I am astounded by all the love and patience of my friends. I'm sure I've annoyed the boogers out of them the last 5 months. I am even more astounded at how I made something worse and worse without having some good sense.

"Prefer my life-disciplines over chasing after money, and God-knowledge over a lucrative career. For wisdom is better than all the trappings of wealth. My benefits are worth more than a big salary, even a very big salary. A good life is a fruit-bearing tree." Proverbs (The Message)

I'm not doing this (P.A.B. life) anymore...no matter how far down the wrong path you've gone...the only right thing to do is to turn back. I feel so drained and incompetent..."Here is what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work and walking around life and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't be so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit in without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out..." Romans 12:1-4.

I'm not a good reflector of God but if you're here and are wondering what in the monkey I'm rambling about, please click here.

"the only thing different about you is the fact that u asian!" - jay sean (asian craig david?)

I'm not sure how many people know about Wong-Fu Productions but they are the authors of so many asian gags. Hailing from U of San Diego you can't help but love their stuff. And being a fellow asian (albeit south) myself, I just wanna post their last video and it happens to be one of my fav songs: Ne-Yo 'Stay'...this goes out to all my chinese and korean bros...from stephen chin, Jerome Tan, Steven Ling, Vic Foo, Richard Chin, Linus Tat Wah, Steve Chan, Eddie Kim, David Tsui, Dawei, Joe Choi, Brian Lee, Justin Lim, Ivan Sim, Wei Yi, Lucien Ong, Lawrence Liew, James Park, Justin Keasberry (and the other berrys as well =D) Jackie Chan and Jet Li..plus the other 650,000,000 asian males out there who did not have the previlege of meeting me. I forgive you guys for the 1963 India-China War...keep Tibet, just don't mess with Kashmir you goo...oh sorry, i get emotional sometimes...=/
'you're my get right when it's wrong!'



I'm excited for this coming month! Turning 21...and exploring new horizons and growing in discipline. woot.

p.s. worst song of all time? "I want Candy" by Aaron Carter...my word...shaq's rapping would have been more palatable with him drunk and incoherent. Who allowed the recording of this song??!! I don't even have the adjectives to describe my cringing disgust.

p.p.s. I like asian women (?) I think they like me a lot too. Just to throw that in there...heh

during a quiet moment of repose: a thought

guardian angel by ~viciousmuffin on deviantART

"You can simulataneously regret your past sins, be thankful for what you have learnt from them, pray that God would use them to make you more like Christ and rejoice that He has forgiven you and works all things for the good of those who love Him."

'Will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl? I've made fools of us all, I've stumbled. I hear you whisper out my name - you say: 'my Love for you will never change.' - paraphrase of Dc Talk

c'est gratuit?!

ok today has been awesome - I think I just redefined hustler and ghettoness when it comes to skool. I had this mad psych mid-term but the thing is, I didn't have money to buy any textbooks this term (so I didn't). so usually i loan it from the library or borrow it from a friend. bUT today, i forgot to do some reading and the dynamic duo of library/friend thing did not pan out so I went to the bookstore...grabbed the book fresh off the shelf and read the 3 chapters right there on the couch...=D I think I owned the midterm thanks to that. I think I might go for seconds...and thirds..maybe more...

And...i come to the caf for dinner...was just kidding with the chef that he shud give me my pizza for free cuz he ripped a part of the crust (I already have a partial meal plan provided by the school, so it's technically free anyway but my 'meal dollars' still get subtracted and its limited)...and! he have me the $12 PIZZA for free...God is such a good provider that's all I have to say.

(p.s. this has to be the most un-ornate post I've ever written. Goin' back to the roots (?) I should shut up)

what would you do?

I was just struck by how inadequate I am to face this chapter of my life that I am in now. It really is crunch time. It has made me look beyond me. Reminded me of this song by city high: "what would you do?" I wanna play my feelings and situation by pasting lines from the lyrics of the song.

• "I guess a whole lot changed since I've seen you last..."

YEA...I still remember End of July - felt like the world was my oyster. Life was finally going my way...just gotta cruise now after so much struggle...wrong...everything that I built up crashed. God has humbled me - His plans are better. You can't cruise - the battles are just beginning, tho the War has been won.

• "Everyday I wake up hoping to die..."

Man...here's the whine out on screen: 6 courses, 3 labs, no money for all texts, ADD, depression, R.A., Student Ambassador, no money for 4th year, no concrete plans for the summer...need to decide soon. If I fail any of the above - I get kicked out of school and lose my job and everything I worked so hard for. Study permit is expiring...possibly have to leave Canada...for good. Future job, studies...i thought I had it down - it has all evaporated. Invested close to $65,000 in uni. Dang...I've never felt so much was at stake before...I feel like Edward Munch's 'Scream' portrait.

• "Been thru more s*it that you can't even relate to"

I realise that I can't compare myself to the average Canadian 20 yr old male...even worse, I compare myself to very above average Canadian 20 yr old males. There is no way I can measure up to that...not yet. But I don't want to use "oh i came here all alone when i was 18 and life is hard" excuse...I can't let background be an excuse. I have to maximise the opportunities God has given me. But, what a lot of my peers can't understand is, the path that I have to take, like all immigrants, is the path that their parents or grand or great parents had to take so that they could have a comfortable life. You just can't compare...it's just harder man. Only the strong survive in this game. If I don't perform, even though God loves me, Canada won't.

• "Get up on your feet...stop makin' tired excuses"

What is life without challenge? I have been so hollow so long...i need to stop looking at my situations...and 'work out my salvation with fear and trembling'. I've got so much I want to live for...I want to hold on to God, trust and make it through.

There was a song by Maxwell that I always found comforting. It's called 'Lifetime'.

'I was reborn when I was broken

I wouldn't believe, I wouldn't believe, no
been thru a storm, no use in hoping
that you would come rescue me
somehow your love set me free

And I, I can let my life pass me by
or I can get down and try
work it all out this lifetime'

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
 And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Peace - will be out for a week. Hold tight and rest in God until then.

snow day!

well today school was cancelled due to a purported snow day...thats weird cuz there is not much snow at all and i recently walked to the caf with just a long sleeved tshirt. Hmmmm.

Tonight we are going toboganning! By steal...umm borrowing the caf trays. Most dons crack down on this, but I am actually joining my floor...=D (guess it will help with the popularity ratings). Staying in today reminded me about a song by Eddie Brickell (u know on the windows 95 cd? Holy! THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO!!! I'm going to retire soon! sigh). And of a couple of good memories from both montreal and calgary.

Montreal - it was one of our first socials; we went up to Mont Royal and had a psychedelic water gun fight. Then it was free kill! I remember just walking back home to Atwater barefeet with the guys. The laughs and the talks we awesome..we came home and watched moulin rouge (?)

Calgary was Canmore...oh man...so beautiful...so much fun! Especially chasing each other with water balloons. And doing skits. Here are a couple of pics:

I think Cheryl and Alison concur with me. =D

Here is the song...I picture it playing in the background as we all run around screaming and laughing...kinda like an old 8mm reel capturing memories. The essence of life. Enjoy the song:

hands

Well,

It is a beautiful sunday morning and whether I like it or not, Time asks no questions but keeps moving on. AnD i reckon, part of being truly alive is being able to stay with time. "Wherever you are, be all there." - Jim Eliott.

I had a chance to visit the blog of my youth group back in Brunei. They started having these short weekly video clips - and this week...had a chance to see one of the games we used to play as a group. It is "Honey if you love me, will you smile?" sth cheesy like that...ahhh, it gave us all so much joy. And seeing all those familiar faces just made me smile. I love them so much.

Sitting here and writing...I am just thinking...I came all the way here to Canada to run away from home...run away and actually be SOMEBODY...be rich, have success...significance. And now...after 2.5 years, I am realizing that I was running away from everything I needed. I once read a book called 'The Impressionist' when I spent a summer in Montreal. In it the main character is one who is deeply scarred by and ashamed of his background...he totally reinvents himself. Or so he thinks. Eventually, his past becomes excruciatingly glaring when he gets his heart broken by a woman (ah women, can't live without them ever - "Boys will be strong and boys soldier on but boys would be gone without the warmth from a womans good, good heart..." JM) his whole world turns upside down. You cannot 'reinvent' yourself...you are the saME. Deep change comes from consistently allowing the Holy Spirit to work through your issues.

Looking back at the previous post about the perfect day, I realised that I have been doing the same as well. How can a person that you've known for 3 months and dated for one have that much power - to turn your whole world upside down? There is something else going on here...she herself said 'Dan, if I've ruined your life by not being your girlfriend anymore, then maybe you liked me too much to begin with.' Examining the ingredients of my heart, I see that the crash of that relationship was inexorable and certain. I'm glad it happened...well...not really. The ego in me screams that I'm a loser...and my pride says that even if things didn't work out, I wanted to be the one to call it off so then I would atleast be a respectable "a really good guy I used to date" rather than a forgettable entity who is a pertinacious pest. But really, that is the pathology of this disease. So, what this one person thinks of me, will make everything alright? Man...that is just wrong wiring. But it's true and I struggle with it everyday. Part of it has to do with the fact that...she is so amazing. Her beauty, inside and out is ridiculously rare, her devotion to God, her musical gifts, her maturity, her intelligence, her silly sense of humour...I've just never met anyone like that. I remember telling her once that: 'You are the reason someone had to pen the phrase "to know her, is to love her."' And to think that someone like this genuinely cared for me and i just crashed and burned not only our relationship but also any form of friendship or acquantance-ship just bangs my heart like a battering ram..."dang...how could I be so stupid and lose someone like her from my life?!" To think that I can't share even small moments like talk about how her day was, family, school etc and not be able to mutually fondly recall the memories we shared sucks.

But, but...as someone once said..."Dan, it seems the time you spent with her (3 months) became a microcosm for your entire life...and you tried to redeem 20 years of your life in the one month that you dated her! You made a poor, unsuspecting 18 yr old girl your god/saviour!" He is right. That is too much responsibility in anyone. And that's why it hurts so much...it was not just a breakup/losing a pretty girlfriend. It was a journey back into the very core of who I am and my past, present and future just colliding. Like why does it feel like I'm so hollow and that all my experiences in life are so worthless unless I go back and fix this mistake? That is grossly disgusting to be frank. But, it indicates a very deep heart problem that needs to be addressed else I will just...never be the man God intended me to be...the man I truly want to be.

I think the most unattractive man, is one who does not have a sense of who he is and lacks a direction in his life. I want to actually BE the person who she/I thought I was but am not. Someone who loves God truly, is confident in his place in the world, is secure in being satisfied under all conditions and is bent on making the world a better place. I think humility is really key. I defined it once as a quiet confidence. Someone who doesn't talk a whole lot but gets it done. Flash over substance. Like my friend Nathan Onifrichuk. He was on Montreal Project with me and embodied that very well.

I have this unspeakable need to be praised, noticed and appreciated - to a neurotic degree. I need to let that go because I think those who are truly remembered even after many years are those who never really tried to be.

My friend courtney from Nova Scotia reminded me of this important truth that I hope I always remember:

"Let me be so ravished by your love for me, that no other love can satisfy/control me."

I miss her. *sob* =D

Honestly, I do not deserve her or any woman in the condition I am in. Not unless I grow up - in Him and in maturity and responsibility. If not, I will end up being a spineless wuss who is perpetually frustrated and underachieving.

I pray that more men discover that for themselves as well.

Hands - Jars of Clay

"I'm here waiting for something new to break my heart
So callous laden, I can't feel a thing at all
Will You catch my fall?
From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... (Your hand)
Fear is keeping time with the beating of my heart
I'm doin' way too much thinkin'
And it's tearing me apart
Then I, I feel You reach for me
From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... (Your hand)
Losing my grip falling so far
My hand inside Your hand
I hear Your voice and follow
So hard to believe, and still I go
Yeah still I go"

I want to make 2007 the defining changing point for my life...because I've got nothing..I really am living, trusting God from day to day.

the perfect day?

Yea it's me again...taking a break after a hard laborious day (more on that some other day).
My first question: have you ever had a day where it was amazing from start to finish? If you could just cut that day and stretched it out into eternity, you sorta would have a better idea of how happy and joyous heaven would be? I did. I'm going to tell you all why it was and spare more of the specific details.

I had just spent an amazing summer on a mission project and during that time met so many amazing people and had unforgettable memories. I had just got a cheap bus ticket to go to this place near the ocean. A special someone at that time lived there. Growing up surrounded by poverty in a small town with modest surroundings and pleasures - this place was so...breathtaking. I guess me being a hopeless but dying romantic only compounded things more than it is. So on to the day: here is how it went.

I got up in the morning to call her and ask for directions. I had just woken her up. She said "I'm so glad that it was you whose voice I heard the first thing in the morning as I woke up." I smiled. Took notes. My buddy accompanied me to the public transport system...i was returning her guitar as well. I had such a good time just waiting for the bus and having him beside me. Until today and always I love him like the brother I never had.

He dropped me off - I got on the train: very impressive - It didn't have drivers! So I went to the specific station and waited for the bus. As I was sitting down with the guitar, I met a man who was waiting for the same bus. Struck up a good conversation about his background, what he believed in and his family. Then got on the bus and met another person who was really friendly and talked to me a lot about the place in general. It all felt like a stellar adventure.

Then I finally arrived. As I walked down the bus and waved goodbye to my good but momentary friends. As I walked down the street with the guitar and swagger, I just felt soooo good. Then I kinda got lost, then I asked an older gentleman where that location was. He held on to my hand for support and as I looked up, it was right in front of me. Her condo/apartment. As I went in a pressed the buzzer, I heard her voice. It was weird, to hear it in such a new place away from where we met and spent the summer. I still remember her walking down and smiling - and I just felt: giddy...it was better than cocaine. Ahem. Anyway...

I had a good conversation with her mom and then we decided to go down to the beach. Before that, I got an email from my cousin which I showed her from her room. He had just found faith in God and thanked me. I couldn't have been happier with his newfound faith - she shared my joy. As we walked down, we saw that they had built a small water fountain...i splashed her face and ran away as she mockingly sulked and chased me. So we held hands and walked down to the beach...laughing and joking like young people in love do. She actually asked me for directions to the beach and I was like "you live here! I JUST GOT HERE! LOL" She never did have the best sense of direction, but it was one of those quirks which was kinda cute especially cuz she had a fair dose of road rage. Initially I was unimpressed by the beach, but looking back now...it was beautiful. We grabbed some food and then sat down among the grass along the promenade. It was a perfect summer day. The ocean was in front of me. I put my head on her lap and closed my eyes. I heard the waves and the birds. It was so serene. We talked...about God, what we experienced, about us, the future. We saw kids playing and being silly...we looked at each other and them and grinned. I told her "I think I will relive this day in my mind for a long time." Little did I know how true that would be. Then we decided it was time to go, so we headed out to the pier which stretched across into the bay. There we got to see what is called 'crabbing'. I was fascinated...just then, she stroked my back and kissed the side of my face with deep sincerity. I smiled. Then we walked back to get some pastries so that we could have dinner with her parents. It was really good conversation. I liked them both a lot. She didn't really talk all that much - I kind of respected her for that. She just listened, such demure. It was really attractive and disarming.

Then we decided that it was time for me to head back. Then our friend called and mentioned that there were fireworks that we could go and see it downtown. So we decided head down drive out to the train station, and I was impressed that she drove a stick shift. Then we boarded the public train to head downtown. In the train there were a few kids who had pot in their bag and were being real ass-clowns. My grip around her shoulder tightened - if anyone tried to hurt her...damn, sh*t was goin to hit the fan son! Lol. Then they walked right into a cop who busted them. Ah life. She pointed out the college her mom took some courses at. Then we finally arrived. As we walked out - we held hands as we strolled past the throng. So strange, here I was...so far away from everything I ever knew...so comfortable and at home. Then we stood in front of the starbucks that overlooked the bay where the fireworks would go off and then finally ran into our friend who then introduced us to his friends. So then...we pushed our way and finally found a place to sit on the beach before the fireworks began. I remember watching the silhouette of her face in the pale night light...she smiled back at me. I could've drowned into her eyes: they were so innocent and beguiling. I pinched myself...it was real!

The fire works then started...as it blasted across the sky...I was just thinking about all the electron transfers that were going through (NERD!) The Czech Republic was in charge of it that day - and it was jazz music accompanying it. I still remember rhapsody in blue and the pink panther theme. Then when it was over, we milled through the crowd and tried to make our way back. All my other friends left the train, but I stayed to accompany her to her car. She met an old friend from uni. They chatted. She told me how hurt her friend was from several experiences in residence her first year. As we got off, I walked to her car. I just felt like I had to hug and hold her. In her arms, I felt a strange sensation that I never have felt in my life - I felt as if I was home...it was a beautiful feeling. It was also my mother's birthday (whom I hadn't seen for 2 years). Then without intending to...we shared our first kiss. It was electric. The fireworks felt like duds in comparison. She drove away on cloud 9. I walked away on cloud 20 and took the wrong train twice!

As I slept that night...i remember my friend asked me how my day was. I said..."not bad - pretty good.' But as I smiled, prayed and closed my eyes to sleep...I was like "holy moly! That was the best day of my life! Thank you Jesus!"

That was a long time ago. I may never go to that place again...she is thousands of miles away - literally and figuratively. Even if I did, it will definitely not be 'magical'. We did not work out. It could not have. I had serious issues (actually that's an understatement, I was a freaking gong-show...I acted like a total psycho) and it was just an infatuation based on our idealization of each other. It was too good to be true. We were in love with love. Even today it is painful to relate all this. The sense of loss for me is profound...and the self-inflicted wound I bear cuts deep. It's not the fact that it ended that hurts (relationships and people are not always forever) but the manner in which it did. Regretting it is useless; the damage for now is irreparable and enduring. I am sorry though: "not just a little sorry, but the big kind of sorry that makes me wish I could take it back, but I can't." She lives there, so to her I imagine that it is not that great...you get used to it. She probably remembers parts of it and shrugs it off. Plus, I made it very easy for her to forget that day, forget me: i'll just leave it at that. I don't think I can ever listen to Oleta Adams' 'Get Here' song without having an emotional seizure.

It's ok. Really is. Her purpose in my life was for another reason: to teach me the important lessons about my character and making God my security. To literally blow me out of the water. It was my september 11 (literally actually) - everything has changed after that. I lost my naive selfishness thru the aftermath of the fallout...and also my self-inflated innocense (both oxymorons, I know).

But that day, we meant the world to each other...we were so ecstatic and 'What a Wonderful World' was playing in my head. Now...it all feels like a dream. Maybe because it was. But I am so grateful for that day anyway...it is a blessing most people do not ever experience. But a greater blessing is true, abiding and mature love. Still, I will keep it in a special corner of my memory and heart...that day made it hard to get back to the real world later on. But really...it is embellished in my mind now...im sure that it was ordinary in many respects...but looking at the good now...it was so precious and surreal. Like someone took me to this paradise on a quick hello. Goodbye, beautiful dream/day...thank you for visiting me...sorry for messing it up down the road...it was meant to happen the way it did I guess. Wow this post is LOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGG. God is still in control. It was too well orchestrated to be random. The Pictures of the actual locations but taken by others are posted up. This is how I felt in the end (see pic above). Life is beautiful, precious and good...but don't hold on too tight. Be patient. Relationships and friendships are fragile. It's important to be selfless and not stifle something by trying to take control, being needy or smothering someone with over-affection. I wasn't any of that. I am and will keep on learning. Somewhere far, I pray and wish the best for her - pray that she keeps discovering God's plan for her and continues to grow and find fulfillment. Hope the fella who gets to be her man for the long haul, actually knows how blessed he is. I have nothing negative to say about her. She is really something/someone special. Well...that's that! Quite a story eh? - sitting here in a drab dorm room surrounded by work, it feels like a soap opera that I concocted in my spare time.

I have a gift for remembering events in intricate detail (it scares me sometimes) - it is also my curse...hmmm...maybe I should've been a historian...

What a difference a day made, twenty four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers where there used to be rain
My yesterday was blue dear
Today I'm a part of you dear
My lonely nights are through dear
Since you said you were mine
Oh, what a difference a day made
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy since that moment of bliss
That thrilling kiss
It's heaven when you find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you, is you...

WOW...A BROWN COWBOY!

stop this train

My friend Dawei mentioned in his blog that the busier we are, the more we are drawn to blog and write out our thoughts. I think I agree - right now, I am just so...flooded.

Makes me think of that Jars of Clay song..."if I can't swim after 40 days and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves, lift me up so high that I cannot fall, lift me up!" I really do feel that I need to go to God with a lot of things.

I just discovered that my very view of reality is skewed: been realizing just how egocentric and self-centred I am. How frail and addicted I am for the need to belong. And I've been looking in all the wrong places - especially in the validation of a pretty girl. That spells disaster.

I was just at Waterloo's 50th Anniversary Celebration yesterday: for some strange reason, when I was looking at the old pictures of grads from years gone by, I realize that I am just an average person when it comes to accomplishments. And I suddenly felt this huge wave of depressive energy which seemed to say that "one day, you are going to be just another picture - all this is passing you by. You're going to be 21 and you haven't accomplished anything. You are just a worthless scab..." I really do believe in spiritual warfare and I think if God exists, so does the Devil. A speaker who came and spoke with us in Calgary last summer said that the biggest lie that the Western world has been told is that "there is no devil". If you don't even think your enemy exists, then you're pretty much a sitting duck.

Going about life just passing away - I was just struck that yes I am mortal. It sounds so laughable but I guess that is the essence of a "quarter-life crisis". You just question who you are and where you are going. I always knew the concept of finding identity in Jesus - I've even spoken to others on in...but I don't think I actually know what it means. I actually don't even know what it means to just be me and accept who I am. I have this incessant drive to do, do, do...yet my perfectionism only yields me mediocre results anyway. What is maturity and growing up look like? I am a residence DON in Uni of Waterloo to 60 students. That is a LOT! Yes I feel that a lot of them have taken care of me and helped me more than I have helped them. My boss recently told me: 'It's never too late to become the person you want to be'. Well, I don't think I can truly change by myself alone...I just feel like this:

"So scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn 68"
"You'll renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly - we'll never stop this train"

Stop this train,
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see that we'll never stop this train...

John Mayer