stop this train

My friend Dawei mentioned in his blog that the busier we are, the more we are drawn to blog and write out our thoughts. I think I agree - right now, I am just so...flooded.

Makes me think of that Jars of Clay song..."if I can't swim after 40 days and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves, lift me up so high that I cannot fall, lift me up!" I really do feel that I need to go to God with a lot of things.

I just discovered that my very view of reality is skewed: been realizing just how egocentric and self-centred I am. How frail and addicted I am for the need to belong. And I've been looking in all the wrong places - especially in the validation of a pretty girl. That spells disaster.

I was just at Waterloo's 50th Anniversary Celebration yesterday: for some strange reason, when I was looking at the old pictures of grads from years gone by, I realize that I am just an average person when it comes to accomplishments. And I suddenly felt this huge wave of depressive energy which seemed to say that "one day, you are going to be just another picture - all this is passing you by. You're going to be 21 and you haven't accomplished anything. You are just a worthless scab..." I really do believe in spiritual warfare and I think if God exists, so does the Devil. A speaker who came and spoke with us in Calgary last summer said that the biggest lie that the Western world has been told is that "there is no devil". If you don't even think your enemy exists, then you're pretty much a sitting duck.

Going about life just passing away - I was just struck that yes I am mortal. It sounds so laughable but I guess that is the essence of a "quarter-life crisis". You just question who you are and where you are going. I always knew the concept of finding identity in Jesus - I've even spoken to others on in...but I don't think I actually know what it means. I actually don't even know what it means to just be me and accept who I am. I have this incessant drive to do, do, do...yet my perfectionism only yields me mediocre results anyway. What is maturity and growing up look like? I am a residence DON in Uni of Waterloo to 60 students. That is a LOT! Yes I feel that a lot of them have taken care of me and helped me more than I have helped them. My boss recently told me: 'It's never too late to become the person you want to be'. Well, I don't think I can truly change by myself alone...I just feel like this:

"So scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn 68"
"You'll renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly - we'll never stop this train"

Stop this train,
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see that we'll never stop this train...

John Mayer