what would you do?

I was just struck by how inadequate I am to face this chapter of my life that I am in now. It really is crunch time. It has made me look beyond me. Reminded me of this song by city high: "what would you do?" I wanna play my feelings and situation by pasting lines from the lyrics of the song.

• "I guess a whole lot changed since I've seen you last..."

YEA...I still remember End of July - felt like the world was my oyster. Life was finally going my way...just gotta cruise now after so much struggle...wrong...everything that I built up crashed. God has humbled me - His plans are better. You can't cruise - the battles are just beginning, tho the War has been won.

• "Everyday I wake up hoping to die..."

Man...here's the whine out on screen: 6 courses, 3 labs, no money for all texts, ADD, depression, R.A., Student Ambassador, no money for 4th year, no concrete plans for the summer...need to decide soon. If I fail any of the above - I get kicked out of school and lose my job and everything I worked so hard for. Study permit is expiring...possibly have to leave Canada...for good. Future job, studies...i thought I had it down - it has all evaporated. Invested close to $65,000 in uni. Dang...I've never felt so much was at stake before...I feel like Edward Munch's 'Scream' portrait.

• "Been thru more s*it that you can't even relate to"

I realise that I can't compare myself to the average Canadian 20 yr old male...even worse, I compare myself to very above average Canadian 20 yr old males. There is no way I can measure up to that...not yet. But I don't want to use "oh i came here all alone when i was 18 and life is hard" excuse...I can't let background be an excuse. I have to maximise the opportunities God has given me. But, what a lot of my peers can't understand is, the path that I have to take, like all immigrants, is the path that their parents or grand or great parents had to take so that they could have a comfortable life. You just can't compare...it's just harder man. Only the strong survive in this game. If I don't perform, even though God loves me, Canada won't.

• "Get up on your feet...stop makin' tired excuses"

What is life without challenge? I have been so hollow so long...i need to stop looking at my situations...and 'work out my salvation with fear and trembling'. I've got so much I want to live for...I want to hold on to God, trust and make it through.

There was a song by Maxwell that I always found comforting. It's called 'Lifetime'.

'I was reborn when I was broken

I wouldn't believe, I wouldn't believe, no
been thru a storm, no use in hoping
that you would come rescue me
somehow your love set me free

And I, I can let my life pass me by
or I can get down and try
work it all out this lifetime'

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
 And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Peace - will be out for a week. Hold tight and rest in God until then.