hands

Well,

It is a beautiful sunday morning and whether I like it or not, Time asks no questions but keeps moving on. AnD i reckon, part of being truly alive is being able to stay with time. "Wherever you are, be all there." - Jim Eliott.

I had a chance to visit the blog of my youth group back in Brunei. They started having these short weekly video clips - and this week...had a chance to see one of the games we used to play as a group. It is "Honey if you love me, will you smile?" sth cheesy like that...ahhh, it gave us all so much joy. And seeing all those familiar faces just made me smile. I love them so much.

Sitting here and writing...I am just thinking...I came all the way here to Canada to run away from home...run away and actually be SOMEBODY...be rich, have success...significance. And now...after 2.5 years, I am realizing that I was running away from everything I needed. I once read a book called 'The Impressionist' when I spent a summer in Montreal. In it the main character is one who is deeply scarred by and ashamed of his background...he totally reinvents himself. Or so he thinks. Eventually, his past becomes excruciatingly glaring when he gets his heart broken by a woman (ah women, can't live without them ever - "Boys will be strong and boys soldier on but boys would be gone without the warmth from a womans good, good heart..." JM) his whole world turns upside down. You cannot 'reinvent' yourself...you are the saME. Deep change comes from consistently allowing the Holy Spirit to work through your issues.

Looking back at the previous post about the perfect day, I realised that I have been doing the same as well. How can a person that you've known for 3 months and dated for one have that much power - to turn your whole world upside down? There is something else going on here...she herself said 'Dan, if I've ruined your life by not being your girlfriend anymore, then maybe you liked me too much to begin with.' Examining the ingredients of my heart, I see that the crash of that relationship was inexorable and certain. I'm glad it happened...well...not really. The ego in me screams that I'm a loser...and my pride says that even if things didn't work out, I wanted to be the one to call it off so then I would atleast be a respectable "a really good guy I used to date" rather than a forgettable entity who is a pertinacious pest. But really, that is the pathology of this disease. So, what this one person thinks of me, will make everything alright? Man...that is just wrong wiring. But it's true and I struggle with it everyday. Part of it has to do with the fact that...she is so amazing. Her beauty, inside and out is ridiculously rare, her devotion to God, her musical gifts, her maturity, her intelligence, her silly sense of humour...I've just never met anyone like that. I remember telling her once that: 'You are the reason someone had to pen the phrase "to know her, is to love her."' And to think that someone like this genuinely cared for me and i just crashed and burned not only our relationship but also any form of friendship or acquantance-ship just bangs my heart like a battering ram..."dang...how could I be so stupid and lose someone like her from my life?!" To think that I can't share even small moments like talk about how her day was, family, school etc and not be able to mutually fondly recall the memories we shared sucks.

But, but...as someone once said..."Dan, it seems the time you spent with her (3 months) became a microcosm for your entire life...and you tried to redeem 20 years of your life in the one month that you dated her! You made a poor, unsuspecting 18 yr old girl your god/saviour!" He is right. That is too much responsibility in anyone. And that's why it hurts so much...it was not just a breakup/losing a pretty girlfriend. It was a journey back into the very core of who I am and my past, present and future just colliding. Like why does it feel like I'm so hollow and that all my experiences in life are so worthless unless I go back and fix this mistake? That is grossly disgusting to be frank. But, it indicates a very deep heart problem that needs to be addressed else I will just...never be the man God intended me to be...the man I truly want to be.

I think the most unattractive man, is one who does not have a sense of who he is and lacks a direction in his life. I want to actually BE the person who she/I thought I was but am not. Someone who loves God truly, is confident in his place in the world, is secure in being satisfied under all conditions and is bent on making the world a better place. I think humility is really key. I defined it once as a quiet confidence. Someone who doesn't talk a whole lot but gets it done. Flash over substance. Like my friend Nathan Onifrichuk. He was on Montreal Project with me and embodied that very well.

I have this unspeakable need to be praised, noticed and appreciated - to a neurotic degree. I need to let that go because I think those who are truly remembered even after many years are those who never really tried to be.

My friend courtney from Nova Scotia reminded me of this important truth that I hope I always remember:

"Let me be so ravished by your love for me, that no other love can satisfy/control me."

I miss her. *sob* =D

Honestly, I do not deserve her or any woman in the condition I am in. Not unless I grow up - in Him and in maturity and responsibility. If not, I will end up being a spineless wuss who is perpetually frustrated and underachieving.

I pray that more men discover that for themselves as well.

Hands - Jars of Clay

"I'm here waiting for something new to break my heart
So callous laden, I can't feel a thing at all
Will You catch my fall?
From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... (Your hand)
Fear is keeping time with the beating of my heart
I'm doin' way too much thinkin'
And it's tearing me apart
Then I, I feel You reach for me
From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... (Your hand)
Losing my grip falling so far
My hand inside Your hand
I hear Your voice and follow
So hard to believe, and still I go
Yeah still I go"

I want to make 2007 the defining changing point for my life...because I've got nothing..I really am living, trusting God from day to day.