the return of the bat

Another summer is slowly creeping to a close and in so many respects - it has been fantastic. Still have an exams though - on saturday. I just came back from a week long trip to the Maritimes and Montreal. It was so good and totally beyond all my expectations. I will update it with pictures this weekend. Someone once said that the best blogs are ones that discuss great ideas and not merely the quotidian activities of one's life as most people's lives are not "really that interesting." Having that week just reminded me that, well...my life is pretty darn interesting so I'll keep filling this in. Don't expect any Bloggers Choice Awards *grin*

The reason I was peeved about Britain is the fact that they are cowering under Islamic radicals - some examples are surrendering without a fight to the arrogant navy of the Iranian National Guards, the oh-so-blah response to Glasgow and London, the failure to defend Salman Rushdie for the honour he so deserved (for those hatin' on him for his "blasphemies"...have you even read any of his books? Did you know that the Satanic Verses does not in any way imply anything negative about the Prophet Mohammed? After all, it is the Christians who call Jesus, God but yet it is the Muslims who treat Mohammed as if he is: totally above reproach, infallible and unquestionable). I love my Muslim friends but honestly, Sharia Law would be the worst thing to happen to any civilized society and must be opposed at all costs. Having said that, most of my Muslim friends have the privilege of studying and /or living in a country which also has civil law courts i.e. Brunei, UK, Australia, U.S., Canada, India even Pakistan. To have an unflinching religious martial law which is unchanged from the deserts of 7th century Arabia is a ticket back to the Dark Ages. A great example is Iran. Sure Shah Pahlavi was corrupt - but look at how much more corrupt and screwed the once great country of Persia is under Khomeini's "theo-crazy" and the mullahs. Iran would have been the jewel of Asia. Another silly British thing is the banning of Israeli academic institutions - wow...the only country in the Middle East with a free-press and uncensored academic freedom and democracy, they go shut them down. Their loss.

Well, that's as political as I will get in this post. Gotta head back and hit the books. Shalom.

Super, Natural (i think it's copyrighted lol) British Columbia..."The Best Place on Earth."

Those are the the words that the government of British Columbia use to promote their quaint and staggeringly beautiful province. Brash and confident, yet it is hard to dispute it.

I had a chance to go back to BC en route from Brunei and it was quite the experience. I recounting it almost a month removed but being back there was in a lot of ways therapeutic and regenerating. The last time I had been in Vancouver was one of my happiest and exciting times. But succeeding events tainted a lot, and going back was unreal, an exercise in convincing myself that yes it all did happen...I've been here before.

Meeting my friend Steve at the airport and subsequently heading downtown was nostalgic...felt like a quotidian, recurring episode but so much had changed and so much will keep changing. Vancouver fit me so perfectly - like a customized anorak, familiar and comfortable without being overbearing. Overlooking the Science Centre and the harbour, images of my last moments here at the Pacific Central Station came flooding back. I brushed it aside. I did not come to mourn. I came regain my swagger.

Port Coquitlam, with its sunset and charming suburban neighbourhoods were soothing. Me and steve went to grab some ice cream and just sat down at the park. This was going to be interesting.

The remaining days were spent with old friends, meeting amzing new people who are dear to me now...in a lot of ways, I appreciate that chameleon tendency of mine to just "fit in" thousands of miles removed from my haunts. I don't want to expand, but here are some pictures to fill the experiences in:

BALANCE, BALANCE, BALANCE - TOI!

The NBA finals were over last week. As magnificent as Lebron has been, the Spurs just swept them, calmly and confidently. And the real story here is (no, not Timmy Duncan - sometimes I can imagine the frustration of super-athletic Amare or even the surging Carlos Boozer in trying to contain this robot of a basketball player...so fundamentally sound and frozen in time...really his game is the same when he was a rookie and now. 4 championships later, I think that it's fine to be boring if you get 'er done)how amazing Tony Le Parker has been playing. I don't think that he was on my radar at all.

As the NBA.com article said, the Cavs really did overachieve and that is fine as they have a long ways to go. In my life as well, though I am naturally not a very positive person, I really do feel upon reflection that I have overachieved. I guess, people who don't really know where I've come from and where I've been so far in the last 21 years can't see that. That's fine. I am still excited for the rest of the journey.

But my most inspiring moment has been Baron Davis and the Warriors...

This is just disgusting:



And Tony Parker...Finals MVP...he really has elevated himself, not just by dating Eva Longoria. He raps too, in French no less. Here is his video, balance-toi or watch yourself.

"My heart is saying 'Let's Go', but my body's saying 'NO!'"

Well, if you are wondering if that title smacks of something else, something eerily familiar then if you have ever listened to Christine Aguilera, you will know the words have been switched around (reminds me of my alleged freudian slip when I told my youth leader that "yo I'm busy, you know how it is: people to do and things to see...uhhh...wait...it's the other way around!") to reflect my incorrigibly poor sleeping habits which will eventually be the death of me. I think the penchant for sleeping late is harboured in my deep seated notion that to be frantically obsessed with Being More, really translates into sleep being a luxury. This is BAD. Sleep (or lack thereof) is the number one killer of productivity and next to drunk driving, of people on the roads too. In fact, in addition the normal Vitamins and other essential nutrients, certain psychologists have suggested Vitamin S(leep) and T(ouch). I agree. I love touching. *grin*

It has been a bit of a hiatus since my last decent post (which happened to be from Brunei). And I have to say that it was a fantastic time. It really met and in some cases exceeded my expectations. Travel does have meaning, especially when you re-visit old places.

I have been in Waterloo for over 2.5 weeks and I have to say that I hit the ground running. Work has been busy and the Institute (the house where I live with 5 other guys) has been awesome. The transition was really good.

While I believe that it is foolhardy to plan out your life in detail, I do think ruminating on the possibilities of the future from the vantage point of where one in currently embedded in time is valuable. And I had a chance to attend the 'Vision Medical Conference' is Waterloo yesterday and I have to say I got a lot out of it. I've had a clearer understanding of certain fields I am interested in, namely Public Health and Health Management and Administration. Although my choice of career and such seems fickle with time, I am glad that the perennial constant has been meeting the physical needs of people through the agency of health care. This really excites me. Though I probably won't be a physician, being in charge of organizations that aid people this way is splendid - especially when coupled with meeting the spiritual needs of people simultaneously and somehow inculcating sports and music in the mix - talk about a career! That would definitely send jitters up my spine. So in essence, I kind of know what I want and things that I need to get there. The challenge is now doing it. But I think the hard(er) part is finding your vision, not reaching towards it because you have the impetus of feverish passion and unbridled motivation as your aides.

There are a few other things that have been cooking around in my head - one on my Vancouver/Victoria trip recently and my thoughts on the stupidity of Britain, Christopher Hitchens and the Hamas take-over of the Gaza strip and the NBA finals. Stay tuned.

from the jungles

“Make sure you have a small heart; love cautiously – life is all about attaching and detaching. Never become so attached to someone/something that you cannot walk away from them/it.” That’s a paraphrase from something a childhood friend recently mentioned here in Brunei.

Well, I’ve been back for little over a week and it actually has been very good. I really fit in like an old glove…like I never left. In some ways, so much has changed in my 3 years in Canada, in other ways – it’s the same old. My Malay came back, even my Tamil was flawless, to the surprise of my parents and even relatives in India.

What is it like here? I think growing up here was an amazing privilege. From Brunei, you can observe the whole world from a Vantage point. Where else can you watch Australian Idol, listen to London’s Capital FM (we used to be able to anyway), be totally in tune with Hollywood movies, have all the comforts the world has to offer and still be on the best continent on earth? (Asia!)

It’s even weird when I consider when I realize that I have not seen my parents for a period of 3 years. I do not recommend that to anyone. I think growing in your relationship with your parents and family is very important. I recently read something on AskMen.com which talked about the cost of having children in North America (well, it’s about $400,000 over 20 years) and the devastating cost of divorce especially on men (I mention that because, everyone pities the woman but few ever consider that effect that losing your woman, your kids, half your mortgage/assets, paying child support, paying alimony and then getting yourself together to get your career, life and romance on track has…when your about 40 it is purely devastating). I somehow see the Western system for marriage and raising kids a little lacking. There always seems to be this mentality of “what can I get out of this in the end?” I’m sure there are points like that in African and Asian cultures too, but they both seem a lot more selfless.

One amazing thing here has been to see the faith in God of the different people here. I’m very proud of the Youth ministry in my church St. Andrew’s. I really reject the supposed ‘doctrine’ that God will ‘bless’ you materialistically if you follow him and are righteous. I think that is a correlation rather than causation. I am just tired of hearing if you have Jesus in your life, you will become successful. No. You will become successful based on your work ethic, your strategy, your knowledge and your discipline, motivation among other factors. The difference that Jesus makes is that you whole life’s worth is not defined by your successes and there is meaning beyond doing that comes from just being. And I think that having this inner peace and assurance makes it easier for someone to strive better for excellence in whatever it is that they are doing. I know for sure that the most spiritual people that I've ever met are also the poorest financially, so I don't buy the prosperity preaching from North American churches. I don't think Jesus was like that at all. He was homeless to begin with ("the Son of Man does not have a place to lay his head.")

Had great fun hanging out with some childhood friends – can’t believe we’ve known each other for 10 years or more…it’s great having a place to come back to. I think I may eventually end up somewhere in Canada but Brunei will always have a special place in my heart. I will post up pictures in Facebook at the end of the month. I’m probably not going to post again until I get back to Canada in 3 weeks. See ya.

p.s. about the quote to begin with – I really agree with it. There is a word in Chinese called Saosin…I think it signifies something similar. Like Desree sang “got to be hard, but not too too hard.” I’m just glad to have such good friends from all over the world.

i can be your....hero? no stalker's better

Well, I have 3 exams in the next 48 hours and my brain is more fried than supercharged but I am quietly confident. Anyway, heard about this...had quite a laugh. Enjoy...

weeks. days. hours. minutes.

There a lot of things happening of late. Exciting things. Springtime is upon us and it's awesome! I just want to post one of my favourite videos of all time - boyzone and mr. bean. Now for those of you who don't know, Boyzone are an Irish boyband and were a quite a big deal back in the mid-late 90s esp in Asia and Europe. And their lead singer Ronan Keating, is a great lad (he even wrote a book called Life is a Rollercoaster which was sweet). He's had a decent solo career since then. I actually met him in person on my 17th birthday at Jerudong Park (which was a FREE disney world...only in Brunei, really, there was no better place to grow up).

One month from now, I'll be back in brunei after almost 3 years. I'm excited. But I have to really face through the hurdles of this term.

One year ago, I was really excited and pumped about everything but especially about going to Calgary. It really was a summer to remember. Now, lots of other folks are heading out as well. It's nice. This song, 'Picture of You' reminds me of Calgary because when I first headed out there, I was thinking about how it was never going to be anything like Montreal. Well, it wasn't. But it was still sublime on so many levels. I had a picture of you in my mind...I never knew I could be so wrong...here's to my mates from Calgary (who make up the majority of my blog readers anyway lol).

the science of knowing and the art of living

The title is taken from a chapter of the book 'Can Man live without God?' by Ravi Zacharias.
Reading it has been really edifying to my faith which has been transistory of late. I highly recommed it. I had the privelege of hearing him speak when he came to UW 2 years ago. In many ways, our lives parallel - we were born in the same hospital; the Madras General, India.

I want to quote some things that are poignant and moving to me:

"Who am I?...Am I only what I know of myself?
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage.
Struggling for breath as though hands
were compressing my throat,
yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at a great distance,
weary and empty at praying at thinking, at making,
faint and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something in me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from the victory already achieved?" - Dietrich Bohoeffer

This next passage captures in a few words what many have tried to elaborate incessantly on:

"The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that the sense of loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon peculiar to myself and a few other solitary people, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence. All this hideous doubt, despair and dark confusion of the soul, a lonely person must know, for he is united to no image save that which he creates for himself. He is bolstered by no other knowledge save that which he can gather with the vision of his own eyes and brain. He is sustained and cheered and aided by no party. He is given comfort by no creed. He has no faith in him except his own and often that faith leaves him shaken and filled with impotence. Then it seems to him that his life has come to nothing. That he is ruined, lost and broken past redemption and that morning...that bright and shining morning with its promise of new beginnings will NEVER come upon the earth again as it did once." - Thomas Wolfe.


There it is. My sentiments exactly. I'll keep searching.

just another day

Boundless has always been a great resource for me since way back in 2001. Recently, there was an article called 'Ordinary People' which has rocked my boat. It talks a lot about the ubiquitous-ness of blogs and other personalised chat groups (facebook and youtube included) but it seems paradoxical as we have always guarded our rights to personal privacy, yet unashamedly flaunt all for the world (supposedly) to see. Why do I write this blog? I don't think more than 10 people read it, and there is no earth shattering stuff or even calibre-laden writing. Maybe I want to be a 'micro-celebrity' too? The point that "the less gifted among us are willing to fart ourselves into the spotlight" (Lakshmi Chaudhry) is jarring. Sometimes its true - all of this can be so ordinary? Who really cares anyway? I will quote more of it:

"While the narcissism Chaudhry mentions no doubt plays a part, there's a desperate quality to much of what's posted that can't only be explained by the belief that you are incredibly fascinating. Few of the revelations involve scientific breakthroughs, blazing insights or joining Al Qaeda — much of the stuff being revealed is quotidian to the point of banality. Who hasn't been through a break-up or even experienced painful personal loss?

This recitation of the stuff of everyday life is a tacit admission that the revealers, on some level, know that, as Tyler Durden would no doubt tell them, they're not "beautiful and unique snowflakes." They know that they're, in fact, fairly ordinary and they can only meet their "need to feel significant and admired and, above all, to be seen" through the quantity and explicitness of their revelations, not their quality. Ironically, in a world where many of your peers are doing the same, this self-revelation makes them seem more ordinary, not less.

This begs an obvious question: What's wrong with being ordinary? A lot, if you live in a culture like ours that has turned "ordinary" into an epithet, a synonym for "mediocre." Then, the fear of being (or appearing) "ordinary" exceeds the fear of possible humiliation or any other repercussions of inappropriate disclosure."

My friend steve once said "blogging? yea, it helps to soothe the loneliness". hmmm. What's really going on in our existence? (see next blog)

stem cells and Jesus

I don't think I can gush enough about how proud I am of the CBC as a Public news service (tho it really lags behind the BBC for International coverage) and how it has evolved and is competent.

One of my favourite shows there is, is the Hour by Georgie. It is just a show that is simply groundbreaking in terms of its approach. I don't think anyone in the world right now can do it quite like Georgie.

I don't know how many people are talking about the Lost Tomb of Jesus, if you haven't it's about some ossuaries found in Jerusalem, it's a family tomb and it apparently Jesus and yea.."his family" with Mary Magdalene and their child. Ok...of all the controversies from 2000 years, this sounds really like 'wat? are you kidding me?' It can't be that simple. I don't know the facts, haven't read the book or seen the movie, so I don't know what to say. But this I know - there has never been quite a figure like Jesus...really. You can see the interview with Simcha Jacobivici here.

Recently, Franklin, son of Billy Graham was also on the show. Throughout the whole interview, he simply kept in line with who Jesus is and what the gospel is about. I think George was very fair as well. I like this man Franklin. He has this quiet confidence that I always wish I had constantly but have to pretned I do most of the time. Maybe someday, I'll actually know who I am and believe something with some conviction too. You can see the interview here.

I know that a lot of people know Justin Trudeau as the son of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau and who delivered the now famous eulogy at his fathers funeral in 2000. I had the chance to see him speak this past week. I remember feeling really excited - I think there is this feeling that I want to belong to a place and then be a leader and couse change not only to that place but everything around it. Justin is a very charismatic and charming speaker and really cares about his country, the environment and appeals to the idealist in me. But in my mind, although he will make an excellent politician (he was also a teacher in BC, a profession my mom adores) I don't think he has what it takes to be a leader. One - he is not ruthless enough to make tough decisions. Former Sugeon General Everett Koop mentioned that during the abortion debate in the US, Christians would only see 100% right and 100% wrong...and thus miss out on making a compromise which would benefit it all. This attitude of all or nothing does not work in the real world especially with government decisions. His answers to some questions sounded very cliche and flimsy, as if he was not knowledgable enough. He is a young man, and he is growing. If he ever becomes Prime Minister, he needs to have a lot of concrete practicality under his belt. (his wife Gregoire is pretty hot tho...lol)

Got educated about the Air India tragedy from 1985. To think that it is still unsolved and that 331 people died. CBC archives has a good section on it. Have also been fascinated by Sikh history...there are close to 300,000 Punjabis in Canada, second only to Britain (that's like almost all of brunei tabawet!) 150,000 in BC alone. The whole Golden Temple bombing 1984, Indira Gandhi, the ensuing Sikh violence...although I am a quarter Rajasthani (a state right next to Punjab) I am a world away in terms of identity. I want to know more. Why is there so much strife?

Finally, there has been a lot of talk about stem cell research and how Christians are against it and how it is anti science etc. But there is an very humble and excellent article from Christianity today - I will quote it, but the full version is here.

"Leon Kass, a member and former chair of the President's Council on Bioethics and professor at the University of Chicago, argues that "victory over mortality is the unstated but implicit goal of modern medical science." He writes, "In parallel with medical progress, a new moral sensibility has developed that serves precisely medicine's crusade against mortality: Anything is permitted if it saves life, cures disease, prevents death."

Kass is not alone. Sherwin Nuland, a surgeon and author of How We Die, peppers his book with warnings of the hubris of scientists. "The fantasy of controlling nature lies at the very basis of modern science. … The ultimate aim of the scientist is not only knowledge for the sake of knowledge, but knowledge with the aim of overcoming that in our environment which he views as hostile. None of the acts of nature (or Nature) is more hostile than death."

Nuland says medical science will never find the Fountain of Youth. "Every triumph over some major pathology, no matter how ringing the victory, is only a reprieve from the inevitable end."

Perhaps our culture clings so tenaciously to the hope of extended youthfulness and lasting life because we have shoved death from view. "All the things that once prepared us for death—regular experience with illness and death, public grief and mourning, a culture and philosophy of death, interaction with the elderly, as well as the visibility of our own aging—are virtually gone from our lives," writes Virginia Morris in Talking About Death. "Instead, we are tempted daily by that perfect apple, by promises of youth and immortality."

The apple that's currently tempting our society is the half-million frozen human embryos created in fertility clinics. Our culture so clings to life that it is prepared to legislate taking of life at its earliest stages in order to graft it on at the end...

When we show in our weekly life that we follow the Way that transcends death, the larger culture will begin to see that its obsession with youth is not a celebration of life, but a rejection of the inevitable. Science and medicine, for all the good gifts they provide, will never be sure paths to human happiness."

That article has impacted me a lot. I have a problem with withering away and dying. So yea...stem cell research...why are we so obsessed with being immortal? Chinue Achebe said it best with his book title...'Things Fall Apart'.

honey, I'm from UW, I love intercourse...uh, intellectual that is...

So I had an intersting day yesterday:

Had my Don interview for the next school year. It was a re-hiring process and I was bloody nervous. But I just prayed about it and had a good peace about it - there's wasn't too much I could control. Firstly, I don't think I'm a great Don. But I know I can be and I want to be. I've been blessed with an exceptional floor of really mature and independent freshmen. So i just did my thing...being genuine is all I know how to really be. My interviewers cried...i don't think that has happened to me before. I'm excited to come back if I do.

And we had a religious/spiritual discussion with some guys on my floor: Here is a portion of how it went...

Iain (atheist): "So you think that gay people go to hell?"
Sean (orthodox christian): "yep, its true, that's what the bible says"
Iain: "But what about animals?"
Sean: "yea, all animals go to heaven...it's true!"
Iain: "what about gay animals? Do they go to hell? about 30% of animals engage in homosexual behaviour"
*room erupts in laughter and I sit there shaking my head and smiling at the profoundity of it all (sarcastic)...I love my floor. I have the best job anyone who is a full-time student could possibly have.



Went to a Health Informatics Seminar - it's a field that I'm really interested in. The speaker was Dr. Patel from Columbia University, New York. She's brown and spent a lot of time in McGill (Montreal). I could relate. It was about how to utilize the increasing sophistication of technology and training medical practitioners to become better and less error prone. One her most fascinating points was that we don't do top-down or bottom-up processing but a lot of intermediate chunks which helps us evaluate things that much faster. So really it is the intermediate components, the link between the basic observation and end diagnosis that is vital and this is far more developed in experts (e.g. grandmaster chess players have better recognition of location stratagems than novices). I think this is important in how we make decisions daily and relate to people, God, relatioships and all that good stuff that is life. I hope to do more research into it someday.

Facebook groups...they are stupid, mostly anyway. Why would anyone want to join: 'Girls sh*t on your heart and forget to clean up after they leave' LOL. Who is making these groups? I could say more but really... nUFF SAID.

Melody Hui is a sassy girl.

This ad from hireimmigrants.ca



Bad quality but its all I could find...By 2011, 100% of Canada's net labour market growth will depend on immigration. It's about high time that we started doing something to help assimilate skilled immigrants...funny...i said we...I'm still a temporary resident, not even an immigrant yet...but I feel very Canadian in a lot of ways. I rather be nowhere else in the world.

I'm a new man, I wear a new cologne, you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed: on turning 21

lost love by ~xslim on deviantART

It's here,

Ineveitable I'm sure. One thing I am glad of is that, I used to be very down about the whole quarter life crisis - dangnammit! I haven't accomplished anything...my life is worthless drag. But when I look back, I am really astonsihed at how much grace and favour God has put in me. I didn't even know I would make it this far 4 months ago. I'm not sure if people really realised how serious the bind I was in was. I think Hell is not merely fire but a deep disconnection from everything. I am coming back from hell. I don't want to ever go there again.

But looking back on my life, I am kinda impressed. On my way to Toronto's Pearson to meet my friend Nicole Isaak from project (saskatoon blonde bomber) who is flying in from NYC...then I am going to that city of dreams, Montreal for a few days where I get to meet old friends and even Robyn Leavens from project who is flying in from Victoria.

Honestly, I think I am the most interesting person I know. And honestly too, I rather be no one else. Yea, I do like the mirror - a lot. LOL.

I miss Brunei.

Age ain't nothing but a number. All I care about is where am I GOING? where is God taking me?
It's been too hard living
But I'm afraid to die
I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come
Oh, yes it is

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune

The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been

I'll follow through

Oh, chariot
Your golden waves
Are walking down upon this face
Oh, chariot
I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your strength

Remember seeking moon's rebirth
Rains made mirrors of the earth
The sun was just yellow energy
There is a living promised land
Even over fields of sand
Seasons fill my mind and cover me

Bring it back
More than a memory

Oh, chariot
Your golden waves
Are walking down upon this face
Oh, chariot
I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your strength

You'll be my vacation away from this place
You know what I want
Holding that cup that's pouring over the sides
Makes me wanna spread my arms and fly

love song for no one

this is a bad qual vid but whatever, it's the only one available. Awesome song. The girl is deaf... Happy Valentines.

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams...

all at sea - don't believe me when I say I got it down... I need you more than ever

One beautiful June afternoon after church, I had the chance to head out to Ghost Lake Reservoir near Cochrane, AB for a chill time with a family friend. It was a beautiful afternoon. I love deep one on one conversations, especially set against a magnificent backdrop. Somehow they form permanent connections with your hippocampus (memory). I think I want earth to be like heaven. That is why I am so frustrated.

Jamie Cullum - All at Sea

I’m all at sea
Where no one can bother me
Forgot my roots
If only for a day
Just me and my thoughts
Sailing far away

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to, all at sea

I’m all at sea
Where no-one can bother me
I sleep by myself
I drink on my own
I don’t speak to nobody
I gave away my phone


Now I need you more than ever
I need you more than ever now

baby! it's cold outside...

these are the days when one wonders...was UBD really that bad? Was heading out to Gold Coast, Australia to Griffith not a good option? oh vie did ah cahm to dees countreahh??!


The National Post today stated that an Arctic air mass descended onto Northern Ontario and Manitoba putting things in deep freeze. The temp in Winnipeg was -53 deg C (??!). aND yesterday, tho I am very inured and tolerant of this frigid frying pan I was singing Norah Jones' 'shoot the moon'..."summer days are gone too soon..." as I almost frostbit my face. It was -31 deg C and is still continuing until tomorrow. Holy Carp (the fish mind you) that's cooler than cool (ICE COLD!)


Praise the Lord that I have an Authentic Canada/Snow Goose Parka...I'm ready for this baby! Bring it!




In other news, the pussycat dolls were nominated for a Grammy for 'Stickwitu' (ok I like this song but...c'mon!). All i can say to that is: "DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?!" (see image above). Sorry no pigeons.

a heartbreaking work of staggering genius

Wow what a title! I first picked up this book from a good friend of mine Alwin Chong (who has just completed his BA in English at the prestigious University of Melbourne, Australia) back in Brunei in 2002 after I finished Lower Form 6 (Grade 12 in Canada). It was written by a then 29-year old Dave Eggers who actaully made reculsive J.D. Salingers acclaimed "Catcher in the Rye" seem average. The book is full of satire and irony and is also supposed to be a memoir but it is manic and laced with some really brilliant lines. The cool thing is that this guy hits the ground running and as Bob Wake puts it: "Before the narrative proper even gets under way, we’re treated to some 40 pages of satirical prefatory material, including the copyright page, which is itself loaded with jokes: "Published in the United States by Simon & Schuster, a division of a larger and more powerful company called Viacom Inc., which is wealthier and more populous than eighteen of the fifty states of America, all of Central America, and all of the former Soviet Republics combined and tripled."

So why am I randomly talking about a book I read almost 5 years ago? Well...I'm not too sure. It's just that I suddenly identify myself with the Younger Eggers. The vulnerability, the inability to reconcile the good and bad in the world, the frustration with imperfection, the yearning for more...

Maybe because it also reminded me of something crazy that God decided to do:
Genesis 1
26-28 God spoke: Let us make human beings in our image, make them
reflecting our nature. God created human beings;
he created them godlike,
Reflecting God's nature.
He created them male and female.
God blessed them:
"Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge!
Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air,
for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.
31 God looked over everything he had made;
it was so good, so very good!

But then...

Genesis 6

5-7 God saw that human evil was out of control. People thought evil, imagined evil—evil, evil, evil from morning to night. God was sorry that he had made the human race in the first place; it broke his heart.

So there it is: I am, you are, we are a HEARTBREAKING WORK OF STAGGERING GENIUS..." See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands" Is 49:16



This is Where I Hold You by ~sweetpea05 on deviantART

happy new month

Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You've given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you'll see my heart is true

The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you

Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

...this is harder than I thought it could be...happy february - the 2nd best month of the year (july always rocks mah world)

that's it? you're done?!

well, today I recalled something that the project leaders Dave Rennals and Shelly Chen mentioned when we left Calgary aeons ago. I'll quote it:

"As the project draws to a close, let us remember that part of God's work this summer was to prepare us for things that He has planned for us to do in the future...As you read this now, and as you read it in the future, you have a decision to make: You can either put into practice what you've learned and use what God has entrusted to you for the advancement of His kingdom, or you can bury it, letting it rot away unused.

The success of these 3 months will be measured by the way you spend and invest the rest of your lives."

Wow...I mean, how can I forget that God is in control and that He uses experiences to shape me for HIM? And forget that I have an enemy who wants me go out like a P.A.B.? Right now, I am livid...that I've gone out so far away from my first love, from all the things that were valuable to turn into this control-freak/anxious/defeated/whiny geezer. And I'm not done!

I have been meeting a lot of people and trying to plan my "future", to make sure that I am "successful". So that's it? Make money, hold on to Canada, get a family/hot wife, grow old, do lots of 'hobbies' and die? WTH mate! I am astounded by all the love and patience of my friends. I'm sure I've annoyed the boogers out of them the last 5 months. I am even more astounded at how I made something worse and worse without having some good sense.

"Prefer my life-disciplines over chasing after money, and God-knowledge over a lucrative career. For wisdom is better than all the trappings of wealth. My benefits are worth more than a big salary, even a very big salary. A good life is a fruit-bearing tree." Proverbs (The Message)

I'm not doing this (P.A.B. life) anymore...no matter how far down the wrong path you've gone...the only right thing to do is to turn back. I feel so drained and incompetent..."Here is what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work and walking around life and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't be so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit in without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out..." Romans 12:1-4.

I'm not a good reflector of God but if you're here and are wondering what in the monkey I'm rambling about, please click here.

"the only thing different about you is the fact that u asian!" - jay sean (asian craig david?)

I'm not sure how many people know about Wong-Fu Productions but they are the authors of so many asian gags. Hailing from U of San Diego you can't help but love their stuff. And being a fellow asian (albeit south) myself, I just wanna post their last video and it happens to be one of my fav songs: Ne-Yo 'Stay'...this goes out to all my chinese and korean bros...from stephen chin, Jerome Tan, Steven Ling, Vic Foo, Richard Chin, Linus Tat Wah, Steve Chan, Eddie Kim, David Tsui, Dawei, Joe Choi, Brian Lee, Justin Lim, Ivan Sim, Wei Yi, Lucien Ong, Lawrence Liew, James Park, Justin Keasberry (and the other berrys as well =D) Jackie Chan and Jet Li..plus the other 650,000,000 asian males out there who did not have the previlege of meeting me. I forgive you guys for the 1963 India-China War...keep Tibet, just don't mess with Kashmir you goo...oh sorry, i get emotional sometimes...=/
'you're my get right when it's wrong!'



I'm excited for this coming month! Turning 21...and exploring new horizons and growing in discipline. woot.

p.s. worst song of all time? "I want Candy" by Aaron Carter...my word...shaq's rapping would have been more palatable with him drunk and incoherent. Who allowed the recording of this song??!! I don't even have the adjectives to describe my cringing disgust.

p.p.s. I like asian women (?) I think they like me a lot too. Just to throw that in there...heh

during a quiet moment of repose: a thought

guardian angel by ~viciousmuffin on deviantART

"You can simulataneously regret your past sins, be thankful for what you have learnt from them, pray that God would use them to make you more like Christ and rejoice that He has forgiven you and works all things for the good of those who love Him."

'Will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl? I've made fools of us all, I've stumbled. I hear you whisper out my name - you say: 'my Love for you will never change.' - paraphrase of Dc Talk

c'est gratuit?!

ok today has been awesome - I think I just redefined hustler and ghettoness when it comes to skool. I had this mad psych mid-term but the thing is, I didn't have money to buy any textbooks this term (so I didn't). so usually i loan it from the library or borrow it from a friend. bUT today, i forgot to do some reading and the dynamic duo of library/friend thing did not pan out so I went to the bookstore...grabbed the book fresh off the shelf and read the 3 chapters right there on the couch...=D I think I owned the midterm thanks to that. I think I might go for seconds...and thirds..maybe more...

And...i come to the caf for dinner...was just kidding with the chef that he shud give me my pizza for free cuz he ripped a part of the crust (I already have a partial meal plan provided by the school, so it's technically free anyway but my 'meal dollars' still get subtracted and its limited)...and! he have me the $12 PIZZA for free...God is such a good provider that's all I have to say.

(p.s. this has to be the most un-ornate post I've ever written. Goin' back to the roots (?) I should shut up)

what would you do?

I was just struck by how inadequate I am to face this chapter of my life that I am in now. It really is crunch time. It has made me look beyond me. Reminded me of this song by city high: "what would you do?" I wanna play my feelings and situation by pasting lines from the lyrics of the song.

• "I guess a whole lot changed since I've seen you last..."

YEA...I still remember End of July - felt like the world was my oyster. Life was finally going my way...just gotta cruise now after so much struggle...wrong...everything that I built up crashed. God has humbled me - His plans are better. You can't cruise - the battles are just beginning, tho the War has been won.

• "Everyday I wake up hoping to die..."

Man...here's the whine out on screen: 6 courses, 3 labs, no money for all texts, ADD, depression, R.A., Student Ambassador, no money for 4th year, no concrete plans for the summer...need to decide soon. If I fail any of the above - I get kicked out of school and lose my job and everything I worked so hard for. Study permit is expiring...possibly have to leave Canada...for good. Future job, studies...i thought I had it down - it has all evaporated. Invested close to $65,000 in uni. Dang...I've never felt so much was at stake before...I feel like Edward Munch's 'Scream' portrait.

• "Been thru more s*it that you can't even relate to"

I realise that I can't compare myself to the average Canadian 20 yr old male...even worse, I compare myself to very above average Canadian 20 yr old males. There is no way I can measure up to that...not yet. But I don't want to use "oh i came here all alone when i was 18 and life is hard" excuse...I can't let background be an excuse. I have to maximise the opportunities God has given me. But, what a lot of my peers can't understand is, the path that I have to take, like all immigrants, is the path that their parents or grand or great parents had to take so that they could have a comfortable life. You just can't compare...it's just harder man. Only the strong survive in this game. If I don't perform, even though God loves me, Canada won't.

• "Get up on your feet...stop makin' tired excuses"

What is life without challenge? I have been so hollow so long...i need to stop looking at my situations...and 'work out my salvation with fear and trembling'. I've got so much I want to live for...I want to hold on to God, trust and make it through.

There was a song by Maxwell that I always found comforting. It's called 'Lifetime'.

'I was reborn when I was broken

I wouldn't believe, I wouldn't believe, no
been thru a storm, no use in hoping
that you would come rescue me
somehow your love set me free

And I, I can let my life pass me by
or I can get down and try
work it all out this lifetime'

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
 And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Peace - will be out for a week. Hold tight and rest in God until then.

snow day!

well today school was cancelled due to a purported snow day...thats weird cuz there is not much snow at all and i recently walked to the caf with just a long sleeved tshirt. Hmmmm.

Tonight we are going toboganning! By steal...umm borrowing the caf trays. Most dons crack down on this, but I am actually joining my floor...=D (guess it will help with the popularity ratings). Staying in today reminded me about a song by Eddie Brickell (u know on the windows 95 cd? Holy! THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO!!! I'm going to retire soon! sigh). And of a couple of good memories from both montreal and calgary.

Montreal - it was one of our first socials; we went up to Mont Royal and had a psychedelic water gun fight. Then it was free kill! I remember just walking back home to Atwater barefeet with the guys. The laughs and the talks we awesome..we came home and watched moulin rouge (?)

Calgary was Canmore...oh man...so beautiful...so much fun! Especially chasing each other with water balloons. And doing skits. Here are a couple of pics:

I think Cheryl and Alison concur with me. =D

Here is the song...I picture it playing in the background as we all run around screaming and laughing...kinda like an old 8mm reel capturing memories. The essence of life. Enjoy the song:

hands

Well,

It is a beautiful sunday morning and whether I like it or not, Time asks no questions but keeps moving on. AnD i reckon, part of being truly alive is being able to stay with time. "Wherever you are, be all there." - Jim Eliott.

I had a chance to visit the blog of my youth group back in Brunei. They started having these short weekly video clips - and this week...had a chance to see one of the games we used to play as a group. It is "Honey if you love me, will you smile?" sth cheesy like that...ahhh, it gave us all so much joy. And seeing all those familiar faces just made me smile. I love them so much.

Sitting here and writing...I am just thinking...I came all the way here to Canada to run away from home...run away and actually be SOMEBODY...be rich, have success...significance. And now...after 2.5 years, I am realizing that I was running away from everything I needed. I once read a book called 'The Impressionist' when I spent a summer in Montreal. In it the main character is one who is deeply scarred by and ashamed of his background...he totally reinvents himself. Or so he thinks. Eventually, his past becomes excruciatingly glaring when he gets his heart broken by a woman (ah women, can't live without them ever - "Boys will be strong and boys soldier on but boys would be gone without the warmth from a womans good, good heart..." JM) his whole world turns upside down. You cannot 'reinvent' yourself...you are the saME. Deep change comes from consistently allowing the Holy Spirit to work through your issues.

Looking back at the previous post about the perfect day, I realised that I have been doing the same as well. How can a person that you've known for 3 months and dated for one have that much power - to turn your whole world upside down? There is something else going on here...she herself said 'Dan, if I've ruined your life by not being your girlfriend anymore, then maybe you liked me too much to begin with.' Examining the ingredients of my heart, I see that the crash of that relationship was inexorable and certain. I'm glad it happened...well...not really. The ego in me screams that I'm a loser...and my pride says that even if things didn't work out, I wanted to be the one to call it off so then I would atleast be a respectable "a really good guy I used to date" rather than a forgettable entity who is a pertinacious pest. But really, that is the pathology of this disease. So, what this one person thinks of me, will make everything alright? Man...that is just wrong wiring. But it's true and I struggle with it everyday. Part of it has to do with the fact that...she is so amazing. Her beauty, inside and out is ridiculously rare, her devotion to God, her musical gifts, her maturity, her intelligence, her silly sense of humour...I've just never met anyone like that. I remember telling her once that: 'You are the reason someone had to pen the phrase "to know her, is to love her."' And to think that someone like this genuinely cared for me and i just crashed and burned not only our relationship but also any form of friendship or acquantance-ship just bangs my heart like a battering ram..."dang...how could I be so stupid and lose someone like her from my life?!" To think that I can't share even small moments like talk about how her day was, family, school etc and not be able to mutually fondly recall the memories we shared sucks.

But, but...as someone once said..."Dan, it seems the time you spent with her (3 months) became a microcosm for your entire life...and you tried to redeem 20 years of your life in the one month that you dated her! You made a poor, unsuspecting 18 yr old girl your god/saviour!" He is right. That is too much responsibility in anyone. And that's why it hurts so much...it was not just a breakup/losing a pretty girlfriend. It was a journey back into the very core of who I am and my past, present and future just colliding. Like why does it feel like I'm so hollow and that all my experiences in life are so worthless unless I go back and fix this mistake? That is grossly disgusting to be frank. But, it indicates a very deep heart problem that needs to be addressed else I will just...never be the man God intended me to be...the man I truly want to be.

I think the most unattractive man, is one who does not have a sense of who he is and lacks a direction in his life. I want to actually BE the person who she/I thought I was but am not. Someone who loves God truly, is confident in his place in the world, is secure in being satisfied under all conditions and is bent on making the world a better place. I think humility is really key. I defined it once as a quiet confidence. Someone who doesn't talk a whole lot but gets it done. Flash over substance. Like my friend Nathan Onifrichuk. He was on Montreal Project with me and embodied that very well.

I have this unspeakable need to be praised, noticed and appreciated - to a neurotic degree. I need to let that go because I think those who are truly remembered even after many years are those who never really tried to be.

My friend courtney from Nova Scotia reminded me of this important truth that I hope I always remember:

"Let me be so ravished by your love for me, that no other love can satisfy/control me."

I miss her. *sob* =D

Honestly, I do not deserve her or any woman in the condition I am in. Not unless I grow up - in Him and in maturity and responsibility. If not, I will end up being a spineless wuss who is perpetually frustrated and underachieving.

I pray that more men discover that for themselves as well.

Hands - Jars of Clay

"I'm here waiting for something new to break my heart
So callous laden, I can't feel a thing at all
Will You catch my fall?
From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... (Your hand)
Fear is keeping time with the beating of my heart
I'm doin' way too much thinkin'
And it's tearing me apart
Then I, I feel You reach for me
From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... (Your hand)
Losing my grip falling so far
My hand inside Your hand
I hear Your voice and follow
So hard to believe, and still I go
Yeah still I go"

I want to make 2007 the defining changing point for my life...because I've got nothing..I really am living, trusting God from day to day.

the perfect day?

Yea it's me again...taking a break after a hard laborious day (more on that some other day).
My first question: have you ever had a day where it was amazing from start to finish? If you could just cut that day and stretched it out into eternity, you sorta would have a better idea of how happy and joyous heaven would be? I did. I'm going to tell you all why it was and spare more of the specific details.

I had just spent an amazing summer on a mission project and during that time met so many amazing people and had unforgettable memories. I had just got a cheap bus ticket to go to this place near the ocean. A special someone at that time lived there. Growing up surrounded by poverty in a small town with modest surroundings and pleasures - this place was so...breathtaking. I guess me being a hopeless but dying romantic only compounded things more than it is. So on to the day: here is how it went.

I got up in the morning to call her and ask for directions. I had just woken her up. She said "I'm so glad that it was you whose voice I heard the first thing in the morning as I woke up." I smiled. Took notes. My buddy accompanied me to the public transport system...i was returning her guitar as well. I had such a good time just waiting for the bus and having him beside me. Until today and always I love him like the brother I never had.

He dropped me off - I got on the train: very impressive - It didn't have drivers! So I went to the specific station and waited for the bus. As I was sitting down with the guitar, I met a man who was waiting for the same bus. Struck up a good conversation about his background, what he believed in and his family. Then got on the bus and met another person who was really friendly and talked to me a lot about the place in general. It all felt like a stellar adventure.

Then I finally arrived. As I walked down the bus and waved goodbye to my good but momentary friends. As I walked down the street with the guitar and swagger, I just felt soooo good. Then I kinda got lost, then I asked an older gentleman where that location was. He held on to my hand for support and as I looked up, it was right in front of me. Her condo/apartment. As I went in a pressed the buzzer, I heard her voice. It was weird, to hear it in such a new place away from where we met and spent the summer. I still remember her walking down and smiling - and I just felt: giddy...it was better than cocaine. Ahem. Anyway...

I had a good conversation with her mom and then we decided to go down to the beach. Before that, I got an email from my cousin which I showed her from her room. He had just found faith in God and thanked me. I couldn't have been happier with his newfound faith - she shared my joy. As we walked down, we saw that they had built a small water fountain...i splashed her face and ran away as she mockingly sulked and chased me. So we held hands and walked down to the beach...laughing and joking like young people in love do. She actually asked me for directions to the beach and I was like "you live here! I JUST GOT HERE! LOL" She never did have the best sense of direction, but it was one of those quirks which was kinda cute especially cuz she had a fair dose of road rage. Initially I was unimpressed by the beach, but looking back now...it was beautiful. We grabbed some food and then sat down among the grass along the promenade. It was a perfect summer day. The ocean was in front of me. I put my head on her lap and closed my eyes. I heard the waves and the birds. It was so serene. We talked...about God, what we experienced, about us, the future. We saw kids playing and being silly...we looked at each other and them and grinned. I told her "I think I will relive this day in my mind for a long time." Little did I know how true that would be. Then we decided it was time to go, so we headed out to the pier which stretched across into the bay. There we got to see what is called 'crabbing'. I was fascinated...just then, she stroked my back and kissed the side of my face with deep sincerity. I smiled. Then we walked back to get some pastries so that we could have dinner with her parents. It was really good conversation. I liked them both a lot. She didn't really talk all that much - I kind of respected her for that. She just listened, such demure. It was really attractive and disarming.

Then we decided that it was time for me to head back. Then our friend called and mentioned that there were fireworks that we could go and see it downtown. So we decided head down drive out to the train station, and I was impressed that she drove a stick shift. Then we boarded the public train to head downtown. In the train there were a few kids who had pot in their bag and were being real ass-clowns. My grip around her shoulder tightened - if anyone tried to hurt her...damn, sh*t was goin to hit the fan son! Lol. Then they walked right into a cop who busted them. Ah life. She pointed out the college her mom took some courses at. Then we finally arrived. As we walked out - we held hands as we strolled past the throng. So strange, here I was...so far away from everything I ever knew...so comfortable and at home. Then we stood in front of the starbucks that overlooked the bay where the fireworks would go off and then finally ran into our friend who then introduced us to his friends. So then...we pushed our way and finally found a place to sit on the beach before the fireworks began. I remember watching the silhouette of her face in the pale night light...she smiled back at me. I could've drowned into her eyes: they were so innocent and beguiling. I pinched myself...it was real!

The fire works then started...as it blasted across the sky...I was just thinking about all the electron transfers that were going through (NERD!) The Czech Republic was in charge of it that day - and it was jazz music accompanying it. I still remember rhapsody in blue and the pink panther theme. Then when it was over, we milled through the crowd and tried to make our way back. All my other friends left the train, but I stayed to accompany her to her car. She met an old friend from uni. They chatted. She told me how hurt her friend was from several experiences in residence her first year. As we got off, I walked to her car. I just felt like I had to hug and hold her. In her arms, I felt a strange sensation that I never have felt in my life - I felt as if I was home...it was a beautiful feeling. It was also my mother's birthday (whom I hadn't seen for 2 years). Then without intending to...we shared our first kiss. It was electric. The fireworks felt like duds in comparison. She drove away on cloud 9. I walked away on cloud 20 and took the wrong train twice!

As I slept that night...i remember my friend asked me how my day was. I said..."not bad - pretty good.' But as I smiled, prayed and closed my eyes to sleep...I was like "holy moly! That was the best day of my life! Thank you Jesus!"

That was a long time ago. I may never go to that place again...she is thousands of miles away - literally and figuratively. Even if I did, it will definitely not be 'magical'. We did not work out. It could not have. I had serious issues (actually that's an understatement, I was a freaking gong-show...I acted like a total psycho) and it was just an infatuation based on our idealization of each other. It was too good to be true. We were in love with love. Even today it is painful to relate all this. The sense of loss for me is profound...and the self-inflicted wound I bear cuts deep. It's not the fact that it ended that hurts (relationships and people are not always forever) but the manner in which it did. Regretting it is useless; the damage for now is irreparable and enduring. I am sorry though: "not just a little sorry, but the big kind of sorry that makes me wish I could take it back, but I can't." She lives there, so to her I imagine that it is not that great...you get used to it. She probably remembers parts of it and shrugs it off. Plus, I made it very easy for her to forget that day, forget me: i'll just leave it at that. I don't think I can ever listen to Oleta Adams' 'Get Here' song without having an emotional seizure.

It's ok. Really is. Her purpose in my life was for another reason: to teach me the important lessons about my character and making God my security. To literally blow me out of the water. It was my september 11 (literally actually) - everything has changed after that. I lost my naive selfishness thru the aftermath of the fallout...and also my self-inflated innocense (both oxymorons, I know).

But that day, we meant the world to each other...we were so ecstatic and 'What a Wonderful World' was playing in my head. Now...it all feels like a dream. Maybe because it was. But I am so grateful for that day anyway...it is a blessing most people do not ever experience. But a greater blessing is true, abiding and mature love. Still, I will keep it in a special corner of my memory and heart...that day made it hard to get back to the real world later on. But really...it is embellished in my mind now...im sure that it was ordinary in many respects...but looking at the good now...it was so precious and surreal. Like someone took me to this paradise on a quick hello. Goodbye, beautiful dream/day...thank you for visiting me...sorry for messing it up down the road...it was meant to happen the way it did I guess. Wow this post is LOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGG. God is still in control. It was too well orchestrated to be random. The Pictures of the actual locations but taken by others are posted up. This is how I felt in the end (see pic above). Life is beautiful, precious and good...but don't hold on too tight. Be patient. Relationships and friendships are fragile. It's important to be selfless and not stifle something by trying to take control, being needy or smothering someone with over-affection. I wasn't any of that. I am and will keep on learning. Somewhere far, I pray and wish the best for her - pray that she keeps discovering God's plan for her and continues to grow and find fulfillment. Hope the fella who gets to be her man for the long haul, actually knows how blessed he is. I have nothing negative to say about her. She is really something/someone special. Well...that's that! Quite a story eh? - sitting here in a drab dorm room surrounded by work, it feels like a soap opera that I concocted in my spare time.

I have a gift for remembering events in intricate detail (it scares me sometimes) - it is also my curse...hmmm...maybe I should've been a historian...

What a difference a day made, twenty four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers where there used to be rain
My yesterday was blue dear
Today I'm a part of you dear
My lonely nights are through dear
Since you said you were mine
Oh, what a difference a day made
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy since that moment of bliss
That thrilling kiss
It's heaven when you find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you, is you...

WOW...A BROWN COWBOY!

stop this train

My friend Dawei mentioned in his blog that the busier we are, the more we are drawn to blog and write out our thoughts. I think I agree - right now, I am just so...flooded.

Makes me think of that Jars of Clay song..."if I can't swim after 40 days and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves, lift me up so high that I cannot fall, lift me up!" I really do feel that I need to go to God with a lot of things.

I just discovered that my very view of reality is skewed: been realizing just how egocentric and self-centred I am. How frail and addicted I am for the need to belong. And I've been looking in all the wrong places - especially in the validation of a pretty girl. That spells disaster.

I was just at Waterloo's 50th Anniversary Celebration yesterday: for some strange reason, when I was looking at the old pictures of grads from years gone by, I realize that I am just an average person when it comes to accomplishments. And I suddenly felt this huge wave of depressive energy which seemed to say that "one day, you are going to be just another picture - all this is passing you by. You're going to be 21 and you haven't accomplished anything. You are just a worthless scab..." I really do believe in spiritual warfare and I think if God exists, so does the Devil. A speaker who came and spoke with us in Calgary last summer said that the biggest lie that the Western world has been told is that "there is no devil". If you don't even think your enemy exists, then you're pretty much a sitting duck.

Going about life just passing away - I was just struck that yes I am mortal. It sounds so laughable but I guess that is the essence of a "quarter-life crisis". You just question who you are and where you are going. I always knew the concept of finding identity in Jesus - I've even spoken to others on in...but I don't think I actually know what it means. I actually don't even know what it means to just be me and accept who I am. I have this incessant drive to do, do, do...yet my perfectionism only yields me mediocre results anyway. What is maturity and growing up look like? I am a residence DON in Uni of Waterloo to 60 students. That is a LOT! Yes I feel that a lot of them have taken care of me and helped me more than I have helped them. My boss recently told me: 'It's never too late to become the person you want to be'. Well, I don't think I can truly change by myself alone...I just feel like this:

"So scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn 68"
"You'll renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly - we'll never stop this train"

Stop this train,
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see that we'll never stop this train...

John Mayer